♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
Look at all this stuff. I don't know where to start.
Listen, Donna.
I know this will be emotionally hard, clearing away your dead mother's things.
- I know, Gaz. - So if you need me...
I'll be watching the telly with a beer, OK?
You're supposed be my tower of strength.
I am. Them ashes are bloody heavy.
That's a jar of biscuits.
Is it?
I've spent days being scared of that. Where's your mum, then?
Her remains are on the mantelpiece but her soul is all around us.
What? All around us?
Yes, she's everywhere.
E-Everywhere?
Aw, look at these photos.
There's me and my dad and me with Uncle Sven.
Aww. And me with Uncle Mordecai.
- And me with Uncle Chi San Woo. - These men are all your uncles?
They bought me sweets when Dad was on the rigs.
Mum would take 'em upstairs and show them her newest embroidery and...
Oh, my God, she slept with them all.
Oh, there was a letter for you this morning.
I opened it in case there was any money in it.
You've got to see your mum's solicitor, Mr Walker.
Good old Uncle Walker.
(Sirens blaring on TV)
- Are you making this toast? I'm starving. - I'm still doing your special topping.
I've nearly picked the coloured ones out of your hundreds and thousands. There.
- Just the chocolate ones left. - Yummy! Hundreds and...
Just hundreds. This isn't enough chocolate.
And you're my only source of sustenance. (Moans pathetically)
Why can't you walk to the shop and get your own sustenance?
The physio said it'd do you good to exercise.
You don't understand, Janet. There's all sorts of horrible things out there.
Policemen with guns, rabid dogs...
With this eye, I see all.
Clue's in the title. It's to ward off danger.
- What does it see, exactly? - Mostly we just watch telly.
Police Academy 6 on Living at the moment.
Just like 1 to 5 only with receding hair and a look of
"We're doing this for the money".
How can you watch that after a police sniper shot you?
The policeman who shot me was a maniac. These are nice, jokey police.
Oh, look, she just sprayed Mace in his eye!
- He'll go blind! - (Switches off TV)
- Oi! - Come on, come shopping with me.
We need more food and you need the exercise.
Come on! You'll turn into that obese man we saw on The Cook Report.
You know, Roger Cook.
- I won't. - Just try coming to the park.
No, there are big boys in the park. They'll kick me with their big-boy footballs.
Come on, just try.
OK, I'll come to the park but only if you get me a 99.
No, a Funny Feet.
Ooh! No, a Nobbly Bobbly!
Brilliant. Your knee will thank me.
But if any big boys come near me, I'll put my evil eye straight on their balls.
Keep that to yourself.
- (Pops loudly) - Police sniper!
What?
They're out there, Janet. I can't leave the house.
Your solicitor has referred you to me for counselling. Do you understand why?
Yes! Because I caused Jonny's shooting by changing his records.
I did quite a good job of it, actually.
Because of me, he's officially a cat burglar, a diamond smuggler
and Thailand's tallest prostitute.
We need to establish what made you do what you did.
Tell me a bit about your childhood.
Well, I came from a very loving and supportive home.
My parents adored me.
(# Music box: Frère Jacques)
Mum? Dad?
Oh, looks like they've moved again.
And your relationships with men, how have they been?
Oh, I never have any problems with men.
I'm Miss Congeniality.
Only I'm not a shite Sandra Bullock film.
All the men in my life loved me.
Jonny kissed me.
Blaaaargh!
You taste of lard.
You see... the thing is, Louise...
Get off!
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
- Where are you going? - Home.
(Squeals)
Well...
see you.
So why the animosity towards Jonny?
Has Jonny done something to make you, subconsciously, want to exact revenge?
Not really. I mean, I actually quite like the fetid old fool in some ways.
- And you like his girlfriend? - Yeah.
But just recently she's been a bit off with me.
- I can't think why. - Could you be repressing a memory?
Why have you got no clothes on?
- Um... - Why are you wearing Gaz's T-shirt?
Euwww! What's that condom doing there?
Um... I'm celebrating my singledom!
And breathe.
(Faint creaking)
Hold on.
My coffee, I didn't leave it there.
I left it there.
(Faint creaking)
Flo?
(Creaking)
Flo! I know it's you!
I-I-I'm not scared cos, when you were alive, you'd never hurt me
and n-now you're dead, you... You're with Satan, aren't you?
Why can't you just leave me alone, eh?
Is it cos, when you died, I took this spatula cos I brought it back! Look, I did!
- What you doin' - Ahh!
I'm doing nothing. No, I'm just making a sandwich.
Why did you jump ten foot in the air?
Because I thought you were a gho... a gho... a burglar.
A go-go burglar?
I'm not comfortable here. It's creepy.
- Can we just clear up and go home? - We are home.
Are we? Where's the porn?
This is so exciting! Mum left the house to me in the will.
- There's one condition, but it's nothing. - What would that be?
Having tea every Friday with Aunt Morticia and Uncle Fester?
Aw, Uncle Fester.
We just can't open the cupboard under the stairs, but we never did anyway.
Whoa. What's in the cupboard under the stairs?
(Creaking)
Shh. Did you hear that?
The sound of a hundred headless horsemen galloping down the stairs?
No.
Don't you hear what I'm saying? We have a house, I own property.
Please, Gaz, for me.
All right, let's just get this paperwork sorted, then we can go to the pub.
Where I shall be spending a great deal of time from now on.
- Oh, my God! - What is it?
You know you said she was everywhere?
- Yeah, she lives on in all of us. - She lives on in this bloody box! Look!
Nails and eyelashes!
Teeth!
Ohh, her scalp!
What did we actually burn? Most of her is still here!
I can feel her watching us now.
She won't be able to see us cos we've still got her contact lenses.
Louise, it's been nearly three hours.
Sorry, Doctor.
I had a flashback.
Janet, Jonny's girlfriend, and Gaz.
- Was this flashback of a sexual nature? - Yes.
Then you must be as forthcoming as possible.
I found them... and they'd obviously just had sex.
- Why didn't you just tell Jonny? - Because I blocked it from my memory.
I was subconsciously repressing my trauma.
And when I altered Jonny's records, I was being kind.
I was saving him from pain by having him shot.
- Do you want to confront this trauma? - By telling Jonny the truth?
That may be a way for you to progress emotionally.
Well, it's either that or shooting him again.
Whichever's easiest.
(Door opens)
- Hi. - Hi. Still not been out yet?
No, but I watched Country File. It's pretty much the same thing.
- I'll get you out if it's the last thing I do. - Agoraphobia has its advantages.
There are support groups for people like me.
Sadly, I'll never get to meet them.
Hello, Jonny, I am the world's most perfect biscuit.
Oh, my God, you're beautiful!
On the outside, I'm a haughty Hobnob,
but on the inside, I'm just a dirty Jammie Dodger.
- What's your name? - Um... Vanessa.
- Come here and lick my jammy centre! - Oh, baby!
Dip my buttery crumbs in your brew! (Moans ecstatically)
No-o-o-o-o-o-o!
- Go on, go after her, she's calling you! - I can't! I can't go outside, Janet!
To me, she'll always be the one that got away.
For God's sake.
Here you go.
She's good, but she'll never be Vanessa.
I'm sorry, Jonny. I do understand.
It's OK. We'll work through this together. Don't you worry.
Here you go. I'd better get down to the ASDA.
I might be able to get a doctor to come to me.
I can't see me staying inside forever. I'm a strong-minded bloke.
- I can overcome anything. - OK. See you in a bit.
- I love you. - (Door bangs loudly)
Police sniper!
Munch... do you believe in ghosts?
Oh, yeah, I see them all the time. Loads of 'em. Nearly every day.
- Always at the same time. - Seriously?
- Do they scare you? - They can do.
But Scooby always sorts them out.
See, I've got this problem at Donna's mum's.
What with?
There's this cupboard under the stairs, right? And it's haunted.
There's something in there. I think it's the spirit of Donna's mother.
There's all these weird creaks and...
- Tell me I'm not crazy. - You're not crazy.
Thanks a lot, Munch. That means a lot.
Kelly... do you believe in ghosts?
Oh, aye. Yeah, yeah, there's one in the pub.
He lives in the cellar. He's an old Indian war bloke or summat.
Oh, like Moira Stewart?
No, he's really there. That's why I can never go down to the cellar on me own.
I always have to have a man with me when I go down there.
Oh, would you look at that, we've run out of pineapple juice!
Oh, I hate running out of pineapple juice. Bane of my life.
No, I mean, what should I do?
Read a book. No! Oh, join the army. Be the best.
No, I mean, I need to go down to the cellar,
but I can't go down without a man.
You could listen to some music. I like the musical stylings of Jimi Hendrix,
although he was never as good when he left the Village People.
Look at all this stuff. I was starving.
You are a good nurse to your little mental patient.
- No time. We're going to role play. - Phworr!
No. Imagine you're outside.
OK, imagine you're in the supermarket and you're buying margarine.
I hate margarine. I'll only play if I can have I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is margarine.
This why I don't go out. Why is the world so confusing?
You're in the supermarket. People are grabbing things and bumping into you.
But you're not scared, oh, no. Now, what do you want to buy?
I want to buy... a jar of onions. Silverskin, if you don't mind.
OK. Hurry up, put it on the belt.
Good morrow, sir. You look marvellous, being out of the house and all.
- They never say that. - They do in my supermarket.
Ah, I see you wish to purchase some pickled onions. A very wise choice.
How good to be out of the house on such a pickle-buying day.
To be fair, the woman in Tesco with the harelip has said that to me.
Beep-beep. That'll be £12 and 50 shiny pence. How do you wish to pay?
I'm not paying that!
- A queue's forming. I haven't got all day. - I'll report you to Trading Standards.
These are organic hand-made pickles fashioned by Andeluvian onion herders.
- I'm not paying. - I'll call Security.
- You do that. - Security.
What's going on here on such a fine day to be out of the house?
Conflict is good, Jonny. Use it.
That twat tried to rip me off on these pickles!
These pickles are fairly priced. Let me have one for I'm peckish.
- No, I'm starving. - They're Andeluvian.
- They're a rip-off. - See how healthy this is?
- I can feel myself getting more stable! - (Glass smashing)
Police sniper!
Oh, for God's sake!
I'm gonna take all the food away.
That's it, I'm gonna starve you out the house.
Yes, what a good idea to starve a thin person recovering from serious injury.
Hold on, these aren't Andeluvian.
Thanks, Munch. I couldn't have done it without you.
That was the scariest thing I've ever done.
Why did you ask to meet me? You nearly killed my boyfriend.
Unless you apologise, there is nothing you can say to make me listen.
I'm gonna tell Jonny about you and Gaz.
Maybe I'll stay for one drink.
In order for me to progress emotionally so I never get him shot in the knee again,
I need to stop protecting him.
I need to tell him.
You weren't that attached to him, were you?
- We've been together over five years. - I thought it just a convenience thing.
Like Yogi and Boo Boo.
Well, no, it's not.
He's the most important thing in my life. That's why I'm starving him to death.
- I love him, Louise. - I hadn't realised.
I could reconsider.
Maybe I won't tell him.
It could be like our secret. Like a friendship thing.
A bond between us that no one else has.
Yeah! Not even Donna. I could be your favourite.
- Come on, do it. - Fine.
Make friends, make friends, never never break friends.
If you do, you'll catch the flu and that will be the end of you!
Er, yeah, and I'd like that 12 inches, please. Thin crust. Mm-hm.
Ooh, and some hot wings.
Ooh, and some curly fries.
Ooh, and some onion rings.
Can you nip to the Chinese next door and get us a set meal for two?
Yeah, it's Jonny Keogh, number 9...
What do mean, Janet's blacklisted me?! No, I'm not coming out!
Those two are so cute. They've got a little secret.
Awww!
Secrets are indeed cute.
I bet he's kissed her on the cheek or something.
Bless 'em, they're like a couple of school kids.
(Munch gasps)
(Sighs) "Can you keep a secret?" "Yeah, you're my best friend."
Make friends, make friends, never never break friends.
- Good one. It's, like, childish. - Secrets aren't childish.
They are. It's like they've not progressed emotionally.
Uhh!
What are you doing?
Christ!
Stop creeping up on me! I thought you were going to the pub.
You thought you'd pack and move out while I was gone? Thanks.
Donna, look, I wanna live with you, I wanna be with you.
I just can't live my life scared.
- Not this again. - Yes, this!
I've not been able to sleep. I fell asleep under a Nissan.
Munch thought I was dead. He asked Dad for the head mechanic's job.
It is not my mum. She's not living in the cupboard under the stairs!
But there is something.
Come and listen to it. It creaks as if there's someone in there.
Someone who's not been oiled.
(# Ice-cream van: Match Of The Day theme)
Ice cream! Mmm!
99s, Funny Feet, Nobbly Bobblys.
- Open it. - No, I'm not gonna open it.
If we open it, we could lose the house. Only an idiot would want to open it.
Open it.
Come on, Donna, I can hear things in there.
(Ominous creaking)
- God, Gaz, you're right! - I think I know what it is.
The thing we fear above all else.
Sheep.
Donna, either open the cupboard or I'm not living here.
OK... um... we'll open it together, right?
- Whatever's in there, we'll face together. - OK.
Cheers, mate.
Look, I'm outside.
- (Van backfires) - Police sniper!
Donna, wait, wait.
If we don't make it, I want to say how much I've cherished our time together.
Especially those precious moments
when I was banging you senseless.
Thanks, Gaz.
OK.
- It's empty. - It's empty?
- It's empty. We can move in. - (Ominous creaking)
Oh, I see.
The door was supporting the lintel. That doesn't matter.
This'll cost a fortune. We've broken the house.
Nah, it's just a lintel. I'll fix that. Piece of piss.
I'll be off down the builders' yard, then.
Still hungry?
- I need to tell you something. - Jonny, I have to tell you something.
- Oh, buggery! - The most amazing thing happened.
- This ice-cream van... - Sorry, I need to progress emotionally.
- Shut up! - You're not listening to me.
Louise sustained a large concussion to the head. Anything she says is a lie.
- That's not true. Jonny, I saw... - Shhh!
Don't. Shut your mouth, Louise.
- He needs to know and I need to tell him. - You cow!
Jonny, Janet slept with Gaz!
Oh, my God!
Jonny, I'm so sorry. I...
- Where's he gone? - Hiya.
- Where did you get those from? - Outside. I'm cured.
Well, in that case, there's something I have to tell you.
(Squeals)
She doesn't do dairy.
There's something I want to ask you. Will you hold my cornet for me?
That's not the question, by the way.
Janet... I don't want to waste any more of my life.
Will you marry me?
Oh, my God!
Please say yes.
My knee's killing me.
Yes. Yes, definitely.
- Let's celebrate! - (Claps loudly)
Police sniper!
I can't believe it.
I think I need someone more cleverer.
Someone more like you.
So what made your day so hard?
Oh, bollocks, in for a penny, in for a pound.
Gaz, I need to see you now.
I am so turned on.